Red Flags I Ignored

Hello Hues,

I keep asking myself: how did I not see his real intentions? Our first date was full of red flags. Listening to him answer my questions and hating every answer that should have been my cue to walk away.

A mutual friend had made the connection between us. He even took the time to personally ask for my number. Still, I didn’t hear from him for weeks. When he finally reached out, he asked why I had never answered his messages. I told him I never received any.

It turned out he had messaged me through an app I wasn’t even using. When I checked, there was a missed message from him.

We started talking after that, and he invited me to grab coffee before work like very early, 6 a.m. early which meant I had to be up by 5 a.m. I remember thinking that if he didn’t show up, that would be the end of it. No second chances, no excuses. 

He did show up, and I felt nervous which was an unfamiliar feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. I don’t remember who bought whose coffee, or whether I arrived first or he did. What I do remember is choosing a table tucked away from the door, the best one we could find. And I remember how cold that morning was. 

Our conversation started out fine, but slowly it shifted into something uncomfortable. Not because he was rude, he wasn’t but because I didn’t like the answers to my questions. His beliefs and values were different from mine, different from what I was accustomed to. 

As our time came to an end, I remember thanking him for his time. He gently kissed me on the cheek, which confused me. I had thought he wanted to run away too, because it felt like we had nothing in common.

As time passed, he became very persistent about meeting up and spending time together. He claimed he had no time, yet somehow he made all the time in the world for me, and that made me feel special.

I don’t mean to make this so long, but our bond grew strong, and before I realized it, we were spending most days together. I would say he invested the same amount of time and money as I did in all our adventures.

Then, about six months into the relationship, he started to complain about needing to work more to make more money, saying he had a lot on his plate. What began as occasional comments slowly turned into daily complaints, week after week, month after month. Eventually, I started to feel bad and told him, “Let me help you.”

Of course, he hesitated, saying it wasn’t necessary and that it wasn’t my responsibility. After that, I stopped the conversation.

Many days later, he took me up on my offer to help, assuring me that he would, of course, pay me back. I agreed "okay, great, no problem" and gave him the money whenever he asked. And to be fair, he did pay me back.

Eventually, though, he realized that I never said, “Oh, don’t worry, just keep it.” In his eyes, I hadn’t really helped him at all, because he was always paying me back and often with money he would have spent on our dates.

A few months later, I realized that all the love bombing in the beginning had been a way to prepare me for what was to come. His constant pleas for money weren’t just directed at me but they extended to everyone around him: friends, family, co-workers. Slowly, his schemes and lies surfaced, unraveling all the wonderful things I had once seen in him.

This made my head spin in ways I couldn’t balance. It made me wonder if there were people with genuine intentions who, over time, I started to see through the same lens, turning me into him, because I had built walls and began seeing him in everyone.

I am still trying to heal from the marks he left behind and to trust in the goodness of people again. It’s a slow process, learning to let go of the fear he planted and to open myself up without seeing him in everyone. But with each day, I take small steps toward reclaiming my sense of trust, my sense of self, and the ability to see the world and the people in it, with hope again. 

Being here on this blog and letting some of this out has been a tremendous help. I’m grateful for the space to share and to begin easing the weight of it all. I wish you well and thank you. 

K.

The High Was Never Him

I’ve been trying to understand why I’ve been feeling a little off ever since my breakup. It happened so long ago that I can’t quite make sense of why these feelings keep showing up. It’s not that I think about him the way people usually do after a breakup and there’s no urge to call, look him up, or cling to the past. After my divorce, I promised myself I would distance myself from those breakup emotions. And yet, here I am, still trying to make sense of this hollow feeling inside me.

Don’t get me wrong because I definitely felt heartbroken, and I went through all the stages of grief. So I really thought I was done. I kept going back and forth with this feeling inside me. Sometimes I even find myself looking at his contact, trying to decide whether to call him... but I don’t actually want to call him or see him. It’s not like I wake up wondering what he’s doing or wishing we were still together. So what’s going on?

I found myself going back to those days and replaying every moment, every word, every little detail. But even as I did, his face wasn’t really there anymore, almost like the memory is fading. And again, I’m left wondering: what is this feeling?

It’s not heartbreak, not longing. It feels more like a loss of motivation… overindulging… staring into the abyss. Almost like my energy has drained out of me, and I’m trying to understand why.

Our relationship lasted about two years, and those were some of the happiest years of my life...well at least before things got ugly. We spent so much time together, exploring every place in town, building a connection that felt impossibly deep. Our intimate moments were fun and beautiful, and when we were together, nothing else mattered. We were on a high every single day.

Even if we only saw each other for an hour, that euphoria would linger. Fights were rare, and when they did happen it was usually because we missed a plan or had to cancel. Every day felt perfect, and we understood each other so easily. It really did feel like we were living in that high together.

I started to realize that the hollowness inside me… it’s the absence of that high. It feels almost like an addict trying to chase the best high they ever had. I’m not missing him. I’ve already moved on from him but I’m still searching for that feeling we created together. It’s like reaching for a stronger version of something that doesn’t exist anymore… and never finding it.

When the relationship ended, I went cold turkey, as people say. And now I’m left with this emptiness and not because I want him back, but because I lost the intensity, the rush, the emotional high we used to live in.

What I really lost were the chemicals behind that high. The dopamine rush of reward, the adrenaline that made everything feel electric, the oxytocin that bonded us, the serotonin that kept me calm yet obsessed, and the endorphins that wrapped everything in comfort and happiness.
So now I’m asking myself: what now?
If those chemicals were tied to the relationship, I need to learn how to trigger them on my own.

Dopamine - I can rebuild this through physical activity, learning something new, tackling small challenges, and my favorite: setting goals and actually achieving them.

Oxytocin - This comes from healthy connection. Maybe adopting a puppy or a cat, having meaningful conversations, helping someone, or taking care of myself through planned routines.

Serotonin - I can find this through sunlight, good nutrition, and getting out into nature for walks.

Endorphins - Laughing more, watching comedy, listening to music, dancing, or even getting a massage.

What I’ve discovered is that the high I was chasing wasn’t really about him and it was about me. And now I finally have the key to recreating it on my own. I can feel whole, energized, and alive without relying on someone else to spark it.

Wishing you well, 

K. 

Hitting Rock Bottom in My Mid-30s (and Starting to Climb Back Up)

Hello, hues. I honestly can’t remember the last time I posted on Blogger. Do people even blog anymore? I’ve always shared pieces of my life and not because it’s particularly exciting, but because I know I’m not the only one navigating these things. This blog definitely needs an update. There’s so much on my mind that part of me wants to write all of it anonymously.

As I get older, it feels harder to hold onto what’s actually healthy for me. These past few years have been one bad decision after another, and sometimes it seems like the water will never run clean again. Deep down, I know what’s good for me, yet something in my head keeps choosing the opposite.

I’m now an aunt to two beautiful little humans, and sometimes I wonder...how can I ever guide them toward what’s best when I can’t always choose what’s best for myself? (Thankfully, that’s their parents’ job...I’m just the fun aunt.) It makes me feel like I know nothing at all, like the hard moments I’ve lived through never managed to teach me what they were supposed to. Does everyone feel this way at some point? Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be that girl, the one who shows up for herself in every way that matters.

I thank God every single day for giving me another chance. But how do I actually step into the life I want? When I read my old posts and diary entries, it hits me that I’ve never fully rewired my habits or mindset. Maybe it’s just about choosing the change again and again until it finally sticks...until my brain learns a different way to be.

There’s so much time in a day, and somehow I seem to dedicate it more to my bad habits than the good ones. But I don’t want this to feel heavy or negative. I want it to feel freeing. It’s actually very liberating to just release my thoughts into the air, to put them somewhere outside myself.

Maybe this is the shake-up I need. Maybe this is the moment to turn things around. I read somewhere that writing down your thoughts, your goals, your plans...actually helps make them real. So here I am, writing, dreaming, and deciding that I can choose differently, one day, one decision, one mini change at a time.

I want to be easy on myself about my life, and I think breaking my goals into smaller, achievable steps will help. Here’s what I’m aiming for, in no particular order:

On workdays:

• Wake up at 5 AM.

• Hit the gym and complete my morning routine.

• Limit myself to one cup of coffee instead of 3–4.

• Stay focused at work and make conscious, healthy meal choices.

• Keep dinner hearty but simple, and opt for light late-night snacks.

• Follow a consistent nighttime routine to wind down and be in bed by 10pm.

On days off:

• Explore my town and try new experiences.

• Read more and nourish my mind.

• Skip the gym but commit to stretching and light movement.

• Spend time outside and absorb more sunlight.

It’s not about perfection but about small, conscious choices that add up over time. I can take it one step at a time, and each day is a chance to practice being the version of myself I want to be. Writing this down, sharing it, and seeing it on screen already feels like a step forward. I hope this helps motivate someone out there who might be feeling the same way. Reminding us that we’re not alone, and that change, even in small doses, is always possible.  

Wishing you well, 

K.