I’ve been trying to understand why I’ve been feeling a little off ever since my breakup. It happened so long ago that I can’t quite make sense of why these feelings keep showing up. It’s not that I think about him the way people usually do after a breakup and there’s no urge to call, look him up, or cling to the past. After my divorce, I promised myself I would distance myself from those breakup emotions. And yet, here I am, still trying to make sense of this hollow feeling inside me.
Don’t get me wrong because I definitely felt heartbroken, and I went through all the stages of grief. So I really thought I was done. I kept going back and forth with this feeling inside me. Sometimes I even find myself looking at his contact, trying to decide whether to call him... but I don’t actually want to call him or see him. It’s not like I wake up wondering what he’s doing or wishing we were still together. So what’s going on?
I found myself going back to those days and replaying every moment, every word, every little detail. But even as I did, his face wasn’t really there anymore, almost like the memory is fading. And again, I’m left wondering: what is this feeling?
It’s not heartbreak, not longing. It feels more like a loss of motivation… overindulging… staring into the abyss. Almost like my energy has drained out of me, and I’m trying to understand why.
Our relationship lasted about two years, and those were some of the happiest years of my life...well at least before things got ugly. We spent so much time together, exploring every place in town, building a connection that felt impossibly deep. Our intimate moments were fun and beautiful, and when we were together, nothing else mattered. We were on a high every single day.
Even if we only saw each other for an hour, that euphoria would linger. Fights were rare, and when they did happen it was usually because we missed a plan or had to cancel. Every day felt perfect, and we understood each other so easily. It really did feel like we were living in that high together.
I started to realize that the hollowness inside me… it’s the absence of that high. It feels almost like an addict trying to chase the best high they ever had. I’m not missing him. I’ve already moved on from him but I’m still searching for that feeling we created together. It’s like reaching for a stronger version of something that doesn’t exist anymore… and never finding it.
When the relationship ended, I went cold turkey, as people say. And now I’m left with this emptiness and not because I want him back, but because I lost the intensity, the rush, the emotional high we used to live in.
What I really lost were the chemicals behind that high. The dopamine rush of reward, the adrenaline that made everything feel electric, the oxytocin that bonded us, the serotonin that kept me calm yet obsessed, and the endorphins that wrapped everything in comfort and happiness.
So now I’m asking myself: what now?
If those chemicals were tied to the relationship, I need to learn how to trigger them on my own.
Dopamine - I can rebuild this through physical activity, learning something new, tackling small challenges, and my favorite: setting goals and actually achieving them.
Oxytocin - This comes from healthy connection. Maybe adopting a puppy or a cat, having meaningful conversations, helping someone, or taking care of myself through planned routines.
Serotonin - I can find this through sunlight, good nutrition, and getting out into nature for walks.
Endorphins - Laughing more, watching comedy, listening to music, dancing, or even getting a massage.
What I’ve discovered is that the high I was chasing wasn’t really about him and it was about me. And now I finally have the key to recreating it on my own. I can feel whole, energized, and alive without relying on someone else to spark it.
Wishing you well,
K.
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