Red Flags I Ignored

Hello Hues,

I keep asking myself: how did I not see his real intentions? Our first date was full of red flags. Listening to him answer my questions and hating every answer that should have been my cue to walk away.

A mutual friend had made the connection between us. He even took the time to personally ask for my number. Still, I didn’t hear from him for weeks. When he finally reached out, he asked why I had never answered his messages. I told him I never received any.

It turned out he had messaged me through an app I wasn’t even using. When I checked, there was a missed message from him.

We started talking after that, and he invited me to grab coffee before work like very early, 6 a.m. early which meant I had to be up by 5 a.m. I remember thinking that if he didn’t show up, that would be the end of it. No second chances, no excuses. 

He did show up, and I felt nervous which was an unfamiliar feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. I don’t remember who bought whose coffee, or whether I arrived first or he did. What I do remember is choosing a table tucked away from the door, the best one we could find. And I remember how cold that morning was. 

Our conversation started out fine, but slowly it shifted into something uncomfortable. Not because he was rude, he wasn’t but because I didn’t like the answers to my questions. His beliefs and values were different from mine, different from what I was accustomed to. 

As our time came to an end, I remember thanking him for his time. He gently kissed me on the cheek, which confused me. I had thought he wanted to run away too, because it felt like we had nothing in common.

As time passed, he became very persistent about meeting up and spending time together. He claimed he had no time, yet somehow he made all the time in the world for me, and that made me feel special.

I don’t mean to make this so long, but our bond grew strong, and before I realized it, we were spending most days together. I would say he invested the same amount of time and money as I did in all our adventures.

Then, about six months into the relationship, he started to complain about needing to work more to make more money, saying he had a lot on his plate. What began as occasional comments slowly turned into daily complaints, week after week, month after month. Eventually, I started to feel bad and told him, “Let me help you.”

Of course, he hesitated, saying it wasn’t necessary and that it wasn’t my responsibility. After that, I stopped the conversation.

Many days later, he took me up on my offer to help, assuring me that he would, of course, pay me back. I agreed "okay, great, no problem" and gave him the money whenever he asked. And to be fair, he did pay me back.

Eventually, though, he realized that I never said, “Oh, don’t worry, just keep it.” In his eyes, I hadn’t really helped him at all, because he was always paying me back and often with money he would have spent on our dates.

A few months later, I realized that all the love bombing in the beginning had been a way to prepare me for what was to come. His constant pleas for money weren’t just directed at me but they extended to everyone around him: friends, family, co-workers. Slowly, his schemes and lies surfaced, unraveling all the wonderful things I had once seen in him.

This made my head spin in ways I couldn’t balance. It made me wonder if there were people with genuine intentions who, over time, I started to see through the same lens, turning me into him, because I had built walls and began seeing him in everyone.

I am still trying to heal from the marks he left behind and to trust in the goodness of people again. It’s a slow process, learning to let go of the fear he planted and to open myself up without seeing him in everyone. But with each day, I take small steps toward reclaiming my sense of trust, my sense of self, and the ability to see the world and the people in it, with hope again. 

Being here on this blog and letting some of this out has been a tremendous help. I’m grateful for the space to share and to begin easing the weight of it all. I wish you well and thank you. 

K.